Some people.....

I have figured out that there are people in this world whose only mission is to make others feel inferior and worthless just to make themselves feel important. Yea, that's how my day started off. :-( typical Monday. Now it is Wednesday, and there was another night of me feeling worthless last night. I wonder how people, my family especially, knew that I had written out a letter that no one should find would react. I have been pushed as far as I can and I have thought about leaving, either for a week or permanently, but I can't leave Abigail behind when she is the only reason I am still here. When she looks at me, my world lights up, so leaving her would put my world into complete and utter darkness. I have faith that things will get better for us soon. There are times when I kick myself in the ass because I moved myself and Abby away from Wade, but Wade said get he doesn't hold it against me. He was wanting us away from his mom as bad as I was. I pray daily that God gives me the strength to push on and not take the cowards way out, but I must admit that there are days when it is extremely difficult.

Rock bottom

Tonight I have hit the very deepest rock bottom I have ever hit. I am not proud to say it but I have contemplated running away or suicide. For the past year or so, I feel like I am letting people down, myself included. I feel like a fuck up and a failure. Although my husband tells me I am not, I can't help but feel that I am. I have the option on going back to my mom and step-dads and staying there while I am sure their marriage falls apart and disintegrates or, no wait...that is my only option. I love them to death but all of their bickering and arguing and my moms incessant need to be right and my step- dads incessant need to pick on my mom. I am up to my eyeballs with them. I know me going back to them will probably cause hell between them, but I honestly don't have anywhere else to go. For the first time in my life, I am homeless. I have thought about asking my brother or sisters for hell, but they aren't in the best of positions either. All I can do is pray and have faith that things will work out. God, give me strength.

Venting

I know I should be happy that this is my daughter's first Christmas, but I can't get past the feeling of being a failure. She is only 6 months old and doesn't know the holiday yet, but I want to be a strong female role model for her to look up to, but I can't even afford presents for her. I have been moved from my moms house to my father in laws house so that my husband and Abigail and myself can all be a family together but, he isn't really appearing to try very hard an seems content on mooching off of his father for the moment. To make matters worse, my mother in law doesn't like me staying here in her house. So being in a home that you aren't wanted, whether she lives here or not, is making my feel like more of a let down in my daughters eyes. With it vein the holiday season, I have to wait a few days before job hunting and then comes the task of daycare or babysitters. I have been keeping in mind that God won't put anything in front of me that I can't handle, but my faith is really being tested. I try to keep positive and in a good mood when I am around Abigail, because I don't want to affect her happiness and truth be told, she is the one person right now that can make me smile. So until good news comes along I am going to keep praying and know that something will work out for my family.

Some nights
I cry myself to sleep
Hoping that one day
You will put forth
the same effort into this marriage
As i do.

Prove to Me

I am tired of crying alone, when you were supposed to be the one to wipe away my tears.

I am tired of being scared, when you were supposed to protect me from my fears.

You were supposed to be my other half, the part that finished me, 

but instead all you are is leaving it all up to me. 

I can't do it alone, Lord knows I've tried.

I need you to be the man and stand by my side.

Help me make decisions, not just walk away.

Prove to me you want this,

Prove to me you want to stay.

Prove to me that you care

And prove to me that you'll be there. 

Emotional, hormonal, confused

Today marks my 26th week pregnant with our daughter and all of my emotions that I have swept under the rug have come flooding out. My husband and I moved to Kerrville back in August, almost 8 months ago, and in that time I have gotten a job, albeit not the most glamorous, but a job none the less, and in this economy that is not an easy task. I work my 35-40 hours a week at the gas station, come home, or should I say to his moms house, help her cook dinner or clean house depending on what time I get off work or what day it is. And after my 8 hours away from my husband, on my feet, and tired of dealing with stupid people, all he can talk to me about is what level he is on one of his games, or what 'team' he is playing for on another game. He says he does call backs to places that he has applied at. Well, I have an idea, instead of doing call backs and wasting minutes, go out and get a damned job! I have friends here that tell me about places that are hiring, so I can pass the lead on to him, and nothing. I am tired of stressing myself out over helping him, when in reality, HE should be helping me. But he has no problem using the money I am making and trying to save a bit of, to go pay for his cigarettes, Copenhagen, and beer. He knows that when I wasn't working while we lived in Sealy, I didn't have any habits. I QUIT smoking and I stopped buying unnecessary things and still never complained.
 I get 2 days off from the gas station, and on those 2 days I help out around the house and being pregnant, I have doctor appointments and chiropractor appointments to make sure that I am fit and healthy to have a baby. So after all is said and done, I don't really get a day off. I am constantly running, and being down to one vehicle, I am also having to depend on him. I want to go to a used car dealer and get me something to drive, but knowing that I will be on maternity leave in about 14-15 weeks for a month and a half, I wouldn't have a way to pay for that months note. I want so bad to talk to him about this, but I also know that he will go on the defensive and start a fight, and in my condition, I don't want or need any added stress. I am although, mentally making notes of each and every time he condescends me or takes a tone for a simple question or comment. Because every time he does, every time he walks past me, and ignores me, every night I cry myself to sleep and he doesn't notice, it is cutting a hole in my soul, and the next action, what ever it may be is just the salt into an open wound.
I am trying to be strong for myself and our baby, I don't want to cause her any stress while she is still inside, so this is the only way I could think of to get all of this off my chest. I have friends here that I know I can talk to, but I would feel guilty for loading them down with my problems. Until next time.

~Jess

Just wondering....

How does the person, who is strong for others, who doesn't ask for help for herself, come out and admit that she, herself needs help and desperately needs someone to talk to. How does that person trust anyone else but herself, enough to breakdown and know she will be made whole again? How does she let other people know that stress is eating her alive, and it feels like no one else understands. That in a room full of people, she still feels alone and has gotten so used to putting on a smile and pretending to be happy that she almost believes it herself....Until the sun rises and a new day begins and the 'show' starts all over again....

This is my dilemma, this is my struggle. This is me crying out for help. Will someone please listen and answer my call?